Mission Baby Sleep: Night Four

We all have colds.  I am at the tail end of mine.  Jack just got walloped with it at work and Abigail is fighting the gentler-breastfed version.  She has a little hoarse voice and a bit of a cough.

Last night was kind of rough at around 12-2:30am, but baby got to sleep at 2:30 and slept straight through til 5:30am.  Awesome.

I had planned on going out for a walk today, but bundling up against the chill and setting out just was too much.  I guess I am not feeling as good as I thought I was.  Feeling kinda brain dead today.  I guess it is apparent.

Good News:  My mother is coming to visit in ONE MONTH.  We can begin countdown.  The goal is to have Abigail's sleep routine down enough that Jack and I can go out for dinner, alone.  Bliss.  My goodness.  What will we do with ourselves?

We are also trying to plan a vacation for next summer when my mother-in-law comes to visit.

My dream is to rent a narrow boat and travel the rivers of some cooler clime.  Germany, Ireland, (not England because of the Olympics).  There is also talk of Scandinavia or Croatia.  Hmmm.  That is the one good thing about living in Europe.  These are all doable possibilities.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, dear reader.  Leave them in the comment section.

Night Two

Last night wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.

Jacks shifts were easier.  It was REALLY hard when it was my turn, but it wasn't as torturous for Abigail as I expected it to be.  I mean, she cried a lot.  But she was being cuddled and loved.  Just not nursed.

She woke up at 3:18 AM, which is usual for her.  This is her "playtime" when she likes to practice all her new tricks.  Last night she wasn't able to practice.  She wasn't happy.

She wasn't happy until 5:00am.  I lost count at how many time I soothed her to dozing and then tried to lay her down.   At 5:00,  threw in the towel and brought her to bed.  It was time for her to nurse anyway.

I hope we didn't ruin everything.

But good news.  I actually had a dream last night.  Usually I don't actually get enough sleep to dream.  Last night I did.  I think that is a good thing.

Tonight our routine got a bit screwed up because she didn't nap well and ended up falling asleep at 5:00pm.  I woke her up at 5:30, but she really wasn't ready to go down.  She did fall asleep at 7:15.

It is 8:30 and she is still asleep.

We'll see.

Blogging for my Sanity

Beware.  This might be a doosey.  We are currently thirty-nine minutes into the first night of our GENTLE- LOVING SLEEP TEACHING with Abigail.  That is what I am calling it for me.

Judging from the wails that are coming from the other room, I am not sure she would agree with the title.  Basically, we are trying to get her to go down in her crib and stay there.  She is learning to sleep in her crib.

I don't know if I am strong enough for this.  I feel like a cruel, hard-hearted mother.

I can hear her settle, fall asleep and then she starts wailing.  I am sure it is when Jack puts her down in the crib.  But seriously.  She cannot be held ALL the time when she sleeps.  I mean-- it is not even the nursing down. It is her being able to sleep without being held.

When I was nursing her, before handing her off to Jack, tonight I was crying.  I am sad to think that this is the end of me being able to nurse her to sleep.  But it isn't, not really.  She needs to be able to sleep in her crib.  She is awake and crawling around our bed in the middle of the night.  It is not safe.  And she cannot spend every minute that she is asleep with me.  It is impossible.

7:46.  Crying again.

We split the evening up.  Jack is on until midnight and then I am on til 6am when she wakes up and presumably, I get to go to sleep for a little.

Not the best night to start, either.  I had a migraine today.  Which means I spent the day trying to keep Abigail happy while suffering though bouts of puking.  Lovely.

Ok.  Maybe knitting will calm me.  Etsy?  Alcohol? Valium?  Anything.

I guess I'll clean the kitchen.

C0-Sleepy-on-Hudson

Sleepy on Hudson is the sleep consultancy that we called on Saturday in desperation.  We heard about Brooke through Victoria Gearity, our WONDERFUL Birthing From Within mentor, find Victoria here.

We have been having a really hard time sleeping.  Abigail refuses to be put down any other way than lying next to me and nursing.  She is up at least every hour from 7:00pm to 7:00am.  We try to put her in her crib at night, but she only stays for about an hour. She knows where she wants to be--in bed with me.

It is SO hard.  I am so torn.  I want to give her what she wants; to be cuddled and nursed all night.

BUT:  I am awake all night because she is either pulling at me, kicking me away or doing both simultaneously.  Not to mention that three of us in bed is a tight, tight squeeze.  When she does sleep I wake up because one of my arms has fallen asleep.  Not cool.

The past month (this new not-sleeping thing started when we got back from NY) has turned me into a brooding, cranky, forgetful, short-tempered, snippish, snappish, shrewish, weepy mess.  I am so tired I don't even know that I am tired.  I have no energy for anything.  I just want to sit on the couch and stare at the wall. When I try to sleep with Abigail during the day, I can't because I am just SO tired.

Enter Brooke, Sleep Consultant.  She was really nice and understanding and I was SO SO SO excited to hear her suggestions.  On her website she mentions that she provides alternatives to Cry-It-Out.  Perfect. Enlighten me.

(Oh, and where if not in Westchester will you find such thing as a baby sleep consultant)

We spoke with her last night after filling out the sleep history she sent us.  She began telling us her suggestions.  How over 3-5 nights we would put Abigail to sleep in her crib.  I could nurse her down first, but after that initial "bedtime" we would try to soothe her upon each awakening WITHOUT nursing. Upon which we could expect her to cry and cry and cry.  We could hold her and rock her and sing, do anything---but nurse.  How is that different than CIO?

My heart is crying just to think about depriving my baby of the thing that she needs and wants most.  The only thing that she needs.

I don't like being in this sleep-deprived state.  I don't like that I had another argument with Jack at 1:30 in the morning.  I hate that he slept on the couch AGAIN. I hate that I am the one who has to be up nights because Jack has to go to work.  I don't like that the only way to get her to sleep and stay asleep is for me to be wearing her in the sling or to lay next to her.  I don't like that I am so used to holding her that for the short times where she actually is sleeping in her crib, I have no idea what to do with myself.  I wander around the house like a half-way deflated balloon---scared to embark on a project because I know that I will have to go back to her the minute I start something.  Yesterday, I realized I had only ONE clean shaven leg.  I hate to admit that my marriage is suffering because we have no time to ourselves.

Hate is a very strong word.

But I HATE to think of my baby crying and crying because I am very consciously denying her the very thing that she wants.

I do know this.  That up until a little over a month and a half ago Abigail slept in her crib for naps and slept in her crib for all if not most of the night.

So, it is something that she has done for the better part of her fresh, new, sweet little time her on the earth with us.  

Brooke heard my trepidation and feelings that this was CIO packaged a little differently.  She assured us that she would write up a number of sleep plans that she thinks might make us comfortable.  I am holding out hope that she will be able to come up with something that doesn't make me cry to think about it.

That is the drama of the moment.  I feel like curling up in a little ball and rocking and sobbing.  I feel like this is the first hurdle of a lifetime of letting her go.  She is growing up.  She is crawling.  She is becoming independent and while it is amazing and exciting to meet the emerging identity, it is SO very painful and scary.

I never imagined the amount of blind courage it takes to be a parent.

I wish there was a better way.

Still Raining

Ahhhh

Still pouring.  It is definitely winter here.  Gone are the breezy, sun-shiny 60 degree days we've been having.

That is Jamaica.  Better than a picture of wet, cold Lucrino.  What you can't see is that Jack is holding a pina colada.  It is only 11:00.  Ahhh, welcome to Jamaica, Mon!

My floors are a mess.  I have given up doing any more than a perfunctory pass with my sorry excuse for a vacuum until the rain stops and the muddy-doggie-footprints cease.

Abigail is happy playing on the floor right now.  Every so often she offers up a shout to let Mama know that she is still around.  That shout finished in a big yawn.  The poor kid is SO overtired.  Yesterday I got her down for all of forty minutes.  She didn't get these 'thanks, Four-hours-is-fine-for-me' genes from me.

The forty-two year-old man child is doing something upstairs.  It sounds like he is sawing through metal.  Probably.  Lovely.  First they were pounding and crashing under us, now it is happening over us.

Oh.  Here is how we spent the night of our two year anniversary.

Yes, attempting to get a mirror-like military shine on Jack's boots.  Romantic.

The Bottom Line

Things got ugly last night.  It was 8:30ish and I had been trying to put Abigail to sleep for going on an hour and a half.  Jack decided to try.

I got nasty.

For the last two weeks I have spent every night with a baby in my arms nursing.  I wouldn't call what I am doing sleeping.  I am barely convincing my body that it is getting enough semblance of rest to accomplish its nighttime reparative work.

Needless to say.
I have been a mite snippish. Snappish.

Baby finally went down in her crib!!  No Cry Sleep Solutions was flung across the room.  I conked out and when I woke up barely an hour later...to a baby who REFUSED to be laid down in her crib...Jack was on the couch where he stayed all night.

Yuck. Yucky marital yuckiness.

I had nightmares of a wrinkly, overly-made up flamenco dancer dancing out of rhythm on an about-to-collapse floor.  Weird.

Sleep Story

I don't understand Sleep Training, especially Cry-It-Out.

I am going to rephrase that.  I think that Cry-It-Out is cruel.  And I think that people who tell me I need to let my child cry and cry and cry are mean.

People tell horror stories of their babies screaming for hours, vomiting from screaming so much, becoming traumatized for what?  To give the parents a story to tell of their hard-hearted valor?

Yes, if you let a baby cry long enough, eventually she will exhaust herself and fall asleep alone, scared, and in need of YOU.  The only thing your baby really wants or needs is YOU.

We went to a friend's house for Thanksgiving and as it happens with babies and Americans, we were asked that dreaded question...

"How is she sleeping?"

This question was posed to me by this big burly, bald American guy who  cooed and oooohed and snatched my baby from me as soon as he saw her.  I was just beginning to like him.  He had good energy and Baby Girl was happy, cozily snuggled in his arm.

"How is she sleeping?"  Why, Why WHY do people need to know? It is one of those questions that exists only to judge or to start giving unsolicited advice.  They really don't care.

Now, she is sleeping fine.  She wakes up every hour or two to cuddle, nurse or be resettled but is still getting 10 hours of sleep a night.  It is ME who isn't sleeping.

So, I answered.  "She is doing ok.  She is changing her patterns now, so it has been a bit trying."  I felt that was appropriately, neutral, truthful and vague.

"Well, you just have to let her cry it out.  That is the only way.  They need to learn to self soothe."

"Beast!"  (thought I).

"Our son cried for an hour and a half straight.  It was awful but its the only way.  You just have to keep each other strong."  A woman nearby nods her head in agreement.  "They need to learn to self-soothe..."  

By this time Jack had joined the conversation.  I could tell he was biting his tongue.  (Good, it was still early in the evening and the big man was holding our daughter.)  We looked at each other.

I nodded and did what Jack calls the Anna-I-am-not-really-listening-to-you nod.  The man was satisfied. I turned to Jack and asked him to change Baby's diaper while I got food.  Perfect, and saved by the Baby, again.  I have realized that children are the perfect excuse to get out of ANYTHING!

Back to Sleep:

I am pleased to announce that Baby Girl has decreased her nightly wakings from 5-6 to 3-4.  Improvement.  Not ideal, but better.  We are trying to stick to a bedtime routine that looks like this:

Dinner (J & I, not Baby)
Bath
Read two books
Nurse
Bed

It is the same as we have been doing since she was born, but we added the books.  She is nearly 4 months old, time to start reading!

Jack has her well conditioned to be rocked, bounced and shushed to sleep, (Thanks to the Happiest Baby on the Block), but now my little 7 lb bundle has turned into a 12 lb squirmer and it is MUCH more physically intense to rock, bounce and shush her.  Jack is fine, he can dead lift an inordinate amount, it is harder for the post-partum weakling.

Last night I tried to sit with her in the rocking chair and rock her to sleep.  Baby wanted NONE of it.

So, we begin re-conditioning her to a less physically intense (for us) go-to-sleep method.  I think rocking in the rocking chair is a better option and anything is a better option than Cry-It-Out.