Night Two

Last night wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.

Jacks shifts were easier.  It was REALLY hard when it was my turn, but it wasn't as torturous for Abigail as I expected it to be.  I mean, she cried a lot.  But she was being cuddled and loved.  Just not nursed.

She woke up at 3:18 AM, which is usual for her.  This is her "playtime" when she likes to practice all her new tricks.  Last night she wasn't able to practice.  She wasn't happy.

She wasn't happy until 5:00am.  I lost count at how many time I soothed her to dozing and then tried to lay her down.   At 5:00,  threw in the towel and brought her to bed.  It was time for her to nurse anyway.

I hope we didn't ruin everything.

But good news.  I actually had a dream last night.  Usually I don't actually get enough sleep to dream.  Last night I did.  I think that is a good thing.

Tonight our routine got a bit screwed up because she didn't nap well and ended up falling asleep at 5:00pm.  I woke her up at 5:30, but she really wasn't ready to go down.  She did fall asleep at 7:15.

It is 8:30 and she is still asleep.

We'll see.

Blogging for my Sanity

Beware.  This might be a doosey.  We are currently thirty-nine minutes into the first night of our GENTLE- LOVING SLEEP TEACHING with Abigail.  That is what I am calling it for me.

Judging from the wails that are coming from the other room, I am not sure she would agree with the title.  Basically, we are trying to get her to go down in her crib and stay there.  She is learning to sleep in her crib.

I don't know if I am strong enough for this.  I feel like a cruel, hard-hearted mother.

I can hear her settle, fall asleep and then she starts wailing.  I am sure it is when Jack puts her down in the crib.  But seriously.  She cannot be held ALL the time when she sleeps.  I mean-- it is not even the nursing down. It is her being able to sleep without being held.

When I was nursing her, before handing her off to Jack, tonight I was crying.  I am sad to think that this is the end of me being able to nurse her to sleep.  But it isn't, not really.  She needs to be able to sleep in her crib.  She is awake and crawling around our bed in the middle of the night.  It is not safe.  And she cannot spend every minute that she is asleep with me.  It is impossible.

7:46.  Crying again.

We split the evening up.  Jack is on until midnight and then I am on til 6am when she wakes up and presumably, I get to go to sleep for a little.

Not the best night to start, either.  I had a migraine today.  Which means I spent the day trying to keep Abigail happy while suffering though bouts of puking.  Lovely.

Ok.  Maybe knitting will calm me.  Etsy?  Alcohol? Valium?  Anything.

I guess I'll clean the kitchen.

C0-Sleepy-on-Hudson

Sleepy on Hudson is the sleep consultancy that we called on Saturday in desperation.  We heard about Brooke through Victoria Gearity, our WONDERFUL Birthing From Within mentor, find Victoria here.

We have been having a really hard time sleeping.  Abigail refuses to be put down any other way than lying next to me and nursing.  She is up at least every hour from 7:00pm to 7:00am.  We try to put her in her crib at night, but she only stays for about an hour. She knows where she wants to be--in bed with me.

It is SO hard.  I am so torn.  I want to give her what she wants; to be cuddled and nursed all night.

BUT:  I am awake all night because she is either pulling at me, kicking me away or doing both simultaneously.  Not to mention that three of us in bed is a tight, tight squeeze.  When she does sleep I wake up because one of my arms has fallen asleep.  Not cool.

The past month (this new not-sleeping thing started when we got back from NY) has turned me into a brooding, cranky, forgetful, short-tempered, snippish, snappish, shrewish, weepy mess.  I am so tired I don't even know that I am tired.  I have no energy for anything.  I just want to sit on the couch and stare at the wall. When I try to sleep with Abigail during the day, I can't because I am just SO tired.

Enter Brooke, Sleep Consultant.  She was really nice and understanding and I was SO SO SO excited to hear her suggestions.  On her website she mentions that she provides alternatives to Cry-It-Out.  Perfect. Enlighten me.

(Oh, and where if not in Westchester will you find such thing as a baby sleep consultant)

We spoke with her last night after filling out the sleep history she sent us.  She began telling us her suggestions.  How over 3-5 nights we would put Abigail to sleep in her crib.  I could nurse her down first, but after that initial "bedtime" we would try to soothe her upon each awakening WITHOUT nursing. Upon which we could expect her to cry and cry and cry.  We could hold her and rock her and sing, do anything---but nurse.  How is that different than CIO?

My heart is crying just to think about depriving my baby of the thing that she needs and wants most.  The only thing that she needs.

I don't like being in this sleep-deprived state.  I don't like that I had another argument with Jack at 1:30 in the morning.  I hate that he slept on the couch AGAIN. I hate that I am the one who has to be up nights because Jack has to go to work.  I don't like that the only way to get her to sleep and stay asleep is for me to be wearing her in the sling or to lay next to her.  I don't like that I am so used to holding her that for the short times where she actually is sleeping in her crib, I have no idea what to do with myself.  I wander around the house like a half-way deflated balloon---scared to embark on a project because I know that I will have to go back to her the minute I start something.  Yesterday, I realized I had only ONE clean shaven leg.  I hate to admit that my marriage is suffering because we have no time to ourselves.

Hate is a very strong word.

But I HATE to think of my baby crying and crying because I am very consciously denying her the very thing that she wants.

I do know this.  That up until a little over a month and a half ago Abigail slept in her crib for naps and slept in her crib for all if not most of the night.

So, it is something that she has done for the better part of her fresh, new, sweet little time her on the earth with us.  

Brooke heard my trepidation and feelings that this was CIO packaged a little differently.  She assured us that she would write up a number of sleep plans that she thinks might make us comfortable.  I am holding out hope that she will be able to come up with something that doesn't make me cry to think about it.

That is the drama of the moment.  I feel like curling up in a little ball and rocking and sobbing.  I feel like this is the first hurdle of a lifetime of letting her go.  She is growing up.  She is crawling.  She is becoming independent and while it is amazing and exciting to meet the emerging identity, it is SO very painful and scary.

I never imagined the amount of blind courage it takes to be a parent.

I wish there was a better way.